Particularly in severe eating disorders, it is often the case that the client has been a therapy a long time. And, here's the thing...I really think that eventually, being in therapy, particularly with the same person, for a long time can eventually become counterproductive. Now, I don't have a set definition for "a long time;" it varies from case to case. But, whether it's multiple admissions to a treatment program, or meeting with the same therapist with little progress, I think the ED can accidentally become reinforced. Or maybe not the ED, as much as lack of progress with the ED. If not getting better becomes the norm, will you ever get better?
Eating disorders are hard in that I am quite confident nobody actually wanted one, and nobody chose one. I say frequently, "I'm pretty sure you didn't wake up one day and say, 'An ED! That's a brilliant idea!'" So, I'd never tell someone new to treatment that their ED is their fault, or that they haven't tried hard enough, etc. And again, this is a thing that doesn't have a defined timeline, BUT I would argue that somewhere in treatment, recovery DOES become the responsibility of the person that has the ED. There comes a point where everyone else has done almost all they can, and all that remains is the person with the ED choosing differently. This certainly still doesn't warrant any commentary about the ED being anyone's fault, or someone not trying hard enough. From what I see, it's often not that people who struggle to get better are not trying hard enough. It usually is that their ED is so obnoxious that their efforts pale in comparison to the efforts of the ED voice. BUT, even in that reality, the only way out still is to do the really hard therapy work (not just the changing behaviors work, though that is a huge part of it), so that eventually their efforts do overpower the ED. Even as I write this, I can see how confusing this all is. I can imagine some of you might be thinking, "Seriously, what is she even trying to say?!" Yep, it's that confusing.
Now I know you were just waiting with bated breath to see how I'd tie this to horses. Never fear! I have done it! But only because I really was pondering this on horseback.
I have two horses. One, I fit with hand-in-glove. She's been a real challenge to ride, but we are well matched and, the best way I can explain it is, even though I was heavily involved in backing (aka, breaking) her, she, in 5 years, has only gotten me off her back once, very early on (note: I just jinxed it). Now, mind you, there were rides where she tried (or perhaps she wasn't trying; it's probably not fair to blame her) a number of times, but she and I are just in sync enough that she was never able to unseat me (except in that big extended trot in a national level show when she was 4, LOL; nope, wasn't embarrassing at all, and no Mr. EMT, I didn't need you...hahahaha!). That's Violet. But then there's Daisy.
Now, Daisy is my heart horse. I chose her because, well, she chose me. She is my baby girl. But she has gotten me off a number of times. I mean, rearing does increase the chances of success when you are a horse (but rider was to blame), but overall, she and I just don't sync as well when I'm riding. She also is the first horse I rode consistently, and my first horse. What this means is she is the horse I ruined. I'm told we all ruin our first horses, but I hate that I ruined her. She had to suffer through years of really poor riding, and a couple years ago, she made it clear that she was DONE. And so I retired her. But then, as I came to understand how poorly I had been riding, and changed, I started to pull her out of retirement, to see if I could fix the damage I caused.
I never put her back in training with anyone, and have only taken a few lessons with her. Instead, my approach has been to take lessons on Violet, and then challenge myself to take whatever I have learned on V and train Daisy myself. I say almost every ride, "I broke you. Only I can fix you." Not that "she" needs to be fixed. Our relationship needed to be fixed. My communication needed to be fixed. And until this year, I truly did not learn much from lessons. I would do what I was told, because I'm super good at that, most days. If I rode with a big name trainer, my local trainer had to be there because I'd be so tense (in every way) during the rides that I would not remember a damn thing I had been taught, and the money would have been wasted.
And then I took my horses and went out on my own. Which had its pros and cons, but at minimum, required me to actually start thinking like a trainer when I was riding. I was either going to really learn what I needed to learn on V and apply it to Daisy, or I needed to quit. Now, this was assisted by eventually starting to ride with a big name trainer who was kind and taught in a way I totally get. And so I started to take all that I learned on V, and think about how to apply it to Daisy. I had to choose to really "get it," and I HAD TO if I wanted to fix all I had done to Daisy. (And V, to be fair.)
The coolest part is that I am now proving to myself that I do "get it," and I can train Daisy. Soon we will actually take a lesson again, because you can never figure out everything without eyes on the ground; but all in all, I have done what I set out to do...to actually take advantage of the help I have been given to truly LEARN how to train my horses (and myself). I didn't choose one day to ruin my horses. Hell no. But, I did. I cannot deny that if I want to change it. I, and only I, ruined my horses, particularly Daisy. And now, only I can "fix them." In the end, once you get help, only you can fix/get rid of your eating disorder. In the end, only you can choose whether you will seek a better life (even with its potential cons that your ED babbles on about all the time), and only you can choose to stay sick. You will need lots of help and support to help you get louder and more powerful than that ED voice, but the decision to get better will come in all the small moments between meeting with your providers. But, you can do it. It's possible. And, since I can guess what your ED might have just said to you...you are not likely to be the one that cannot be "fixed" (note: I don't believe there is anyone whose ED cannot be fixed. All EDs are treatable.)
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